I’ve been together with my girlfriend for more than 2 years and we even lived together for while. I have a strong feeling that she'll soon force a decision about marriage.
I'm really really not ready yet, but I'm happy with where we are now. What do I say to her?
Frank the Tank, 32 in PuDong
Many couples face the same situation: you have been in serious relationship and you’ve been with your partner for quite a long time. You like seeing her, doing things together, enjoy her company, and everything seems great.
This is a complex question, so let’s break it down into smaller parts: understanding yourself and then communicating the right thing. So first, ask yourself the following questions to discover the hidden reasons behind “I’m really really not ready”:
- Why aren’t you ready?
If it’s because she is not the one and you are crystal clear about that, do you have the courage to tell her the truth and move on? If you don’t, what stops you from being honest with her, even with yourself? When will you be ready to face the facts?
In this case, being honest is key.
- If she is the one, and you are just not ready for marriage yet, then ask: “what is making me hesitate? How will I know when I am ready? What will make me ready?”
You probably already have thought about this, and you’re almost ready to tell your partner. But read on because this next step is quite tricky and how you communicate with your partner is crucial.
“what do I truly want from the relationship?”
Your partner may be anxious, fearful of an uncertain future.
If you are confused, simply throwing “I don’t know; I'm just not ready” at her will only leave her
more confused, and even feel hurt, doubtful of your love.
b. Be careful of the way you
communicate with your partner
Make her feel that she and you are a team, working on this together. Let her know how much
you love her, and what she can do to support you. It will reduce her confusion and fear. If you
try to avoid the issue or avoid her because you can’t give the answer yet, you will push her to
the opposite side against you, and cause more conflicts.
Giving her faith and assurance that you love her will help her put down her guard and relieve
her doubts, she will be more open to listen to you, understand you, and support you.
Have courage to dig into yourself, be honest with yourself, to your partner, and no matter what you find out, be brave to act on your decision. The sooner you are clear about what you want, the quicker you will get it. So are you crystal clear about what it is exactly that you want?
What’s on your mind? Contact a REV coach (email@example.com) with your question or concern and get some feedback.