I'm really really not ready yet, but I'm happy with where we are now. What do I say to her?
Frank the Tank, 32 in PuDong
Yet sooner or later, MOST, if not all relationships reach a certain point and it’ll be time to take it to the next level. You may feel inner resistance, and you can’t put your finger on exactly what it is. So “I’m not ready” is the only answer you can give to your partner and yourself. Obviously, it’s not good enough for your partner, or even for yourself.
This is a complex question, so let’s break it down into smaller parts: understanding yourself and then communicating the right thing. So first, ask yourself the following questions to discover the hidden reasons behind “I’m really really not ready”:
- Why aren’t you ready?
If it’s because she is not the one and you are crystal clear about that, do you have the courage to tell her the truth and move on? If you don’t, what stops you from being honest with her, even with yourself? When will you be ready to face the facts?
In this case, being honest is key.
- If she is the one, and you are just not ready for marriage yet, then ask: “what is making me hesitate? How will I know when I am ready? What will make me ready?”
You probably already have thought about this, and you’re almost ready to tell your partner. But read on because this next step is quite tricky and how you communicate with your partner is crucial.
a. You need to understand yourself first, specifically:
“what do I truly want from the relationship?”
Your partner may be anxious, fearful of an uncertain future.
If you are confused, simply throwing “I don’t know; I'm just not ready” at her will only leave her more confused, and even feel hurt, doubtful of your love.
b. Be careful of the way you
communicate with your partner
Make her feel that she and you are a team, working on this together. Let her know how much you love her, and what she can do to support you. It will reduce her confusion and fear. If you try to avoid the issue or avoid her because you can’t give the answer yet, you will push her to the opposite side against you, and cause more conflicts.
Giving her faith and assurance that you love her will help her put down her guard and relieve her doubts, she will be more open to listen to you, understand you, and support you.
Have courage to dig into yourself, be honest with yourself, to your partner, and no matter what you find out, be brave to act on your decision. The sooner you are clear about what you want, the quicker you will get it. So are you crystal clear about what it is exactly that you want?
What’s on your mind? Contact a REV coach (firstname.lastname@example.org) with your question or concern and get some feedback.